Thoughts

Maryam is a 4th year student in her last year. She is passionate about dancing and plans to be going to study dance after Brockwood. This is a reflective piece of hers based on her time at Brockwood, which she simply entitled “Thoughts”:

I can feel the spongy grass soaked in water under the skin of my bare feet. The leaves dropping towards the earth as water droplets rush down and finally settle on blades of green grass. I can feel all of this, the sensation I get in my feet on the grass, and the way my skin freezes as my body is wet and the cold northern winds surround me, but I am inside a warm English mansion, protected from the water falling from the sky.

Experience brings memories back, so vivid and crisp clear that the feeling becomes alive. Emotions flood back and become real, and all of this takes over the reality of the moment and changes your mood or way of living in the present moment. We are so stuck in our heads, our ideas and our lives. Even if I explore and I am open to different ideas and ways, in the end I am stuck in my body, in my thoughts and in my life. I can control myself, and therefore try and change myself, but I only change in the slightest ways and stick to the familiarities that I am more comfortable with and feel safest with.

Everything changes, and that is something that scares me. It takes all the security I have away from me, even if excitement comes with all of that. Physically I change, my ideas and opinions change, my emotions change. Everything changes, but I’m the same person, I’m still stuck.

Thoughts get tangled like the cables Joram and I throw into boxes and neglect. The same thing happens in my mind. Thoughts arise, get tangles. I stay with them for a while and when I get bored, uninterested or they become useless and unimportant in my life, I put them in a ‘box’, all tangled and messy. And I hide this ‘box’ somewhere. And obviously, like the cables, I hide them somewhere I will forget and take a while to find again.

Maryam Benoit, student from France and South Africa

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